Thursday, December 13, 2007

Slump Buster

I come from a long line of baseball players and for those of you that know baseball you are aware of the many unwritten rules, quirks, and superstitions that accompany baseball. Rally caps, no talking to pitcher who is throwing a no hitter, no changing socks when on a hitting streak to mention but a few. The one that doesn't get as much publicity, the one that's whispered about in the back of the bus on fourteen hour road trips while playing A ball, the one no player openly likes to talk about is the Slump Buster.

When you start off cold in April, not hitting the ball well or when you do it's right at someone and it just doesn't seem to end. When it carries into May and you've dropped from 5th to 7th in the line-up and your starting to notice a few more days off than normal. When Memorial Day approaches and you're still battling with the Mendoza line, your head is all fucked up, and your angry all the time. Well nobody wants to do it but when the situation is this dire desperate measures are called for, yes my friends it's time for the Slump Buster.

As poker players and gamblers we can all relate to being in a slump. We can't win our coin flips, the hands when we are ahead don't hold, we see shitty players get extremely lucky and win large amounts of loot, we lose a sports bet in the last few seconds due to some fluke occurrence, just plain running bad.

2007 started out bad with Florida scoring 40 points in the first on Ohio St and blowing the Under which was my Bowl Game lock. My uneven run carried through March Madness where Tim Floyd stormed onto the court after a bad call getting two technicals and fucking up my USC +8 bet vs North Carolina. Suck outs galore through the cash games at WSOP. On and on it went. Yes I did final tables a DS at Venetian but I took a bad beat and went out 10th and I did go to Final 3 tables in the $750K in October but for the most part I ran very uneven throughout the year.

So as 2007 started nearing its end some random thoughts started popping into my head. "Slump Buster" "Slump Buster." Was my 2007 that bad that I needed a Slump Buster? Sure I ran uneven but I'm still up money for the year although my roll has suffered some for those break even months but did I still need a Slump Buster? Is the situation that drastic?

What exactly is a Slump Buster you ask? Well it's not the most PC thing in the world but I'm only telling you what I've been told so I'm not out to offend anyone. Remember this started with baseball and I suppose it's been carried on to other areas but myth has it there is one sure fired way to bust out of the hitting slump that has stretched all the way to Memorial Day.

Any female readers can change the sex and have it apply to them but this did start as a man thing. OK what you need to do is find the biggest, ugliest, hairiest most gruesome chick possible and you have to pick her up and I'm not talking physically. You have to get the slick talk working, you have to flirt, and you have to make this chick want you in the worst possible way.

Now we're talking about a very large and gruesome woman, one who's primary purpose on this planet is to eat, one who is without question sex starved and who, under any circumstances, won't turn you down. This is only the beginning and you are making a sacrifice to break the slump so don't ever forget this is not about your pleasure, it's entirely about her pleasure.

So you pick her up, you take her to your room and you get down to business. And when I mean you get down to business you get DOWN to business. Without a second thought you peel away all those layers of flab and you go down like a trooper and find that forgotten magical spot on this poor women's body. And you dig in for all it's worth.

Yes under all those layers of flab mixed with the moisture of a long lost organ it will be hard to breath. You must fight through this slump and you must stay down there. You must take all that weight on your head and go even deeper. Yes you must eat that ass too. In big healthy bites. You are going to make this woman's toes curl, as your head is locked between those meaty thighs. You are going to stay until this woman screams in ecstasy as she releases years worth of self doubt and self hatred. You are making the ultimate sacrifice, the one which lifts a slump of a long time.

Once this feat is accomplished you are free to either continue the encounter and find your own release or run the fuck out of there as fast as humanly possible. Your choice. Just know that the sacrifice has been made and the slump is now over.

What does this have to do with anything? Well anyone that was at the IP Sports Book on Sunday, who has been in a slump, and bet on Cleveland -3' vs the Jets, the drastic measure of baseball superstition, the Slump Buster, can now be avoided thanks to Eric Mangini.

That's right Eric Mangini single-handedly broke the slump for every single one of us that was present and holding a Cleveland Browns ticket. Many of you were there but for those who weren't here is the recap.

First how we got on Cleveland. Well after some deep discussion about the game with Dr Pauly we did what any good gambler does; we asked a real live cooler who they like. Well that cooler was none other than Waffles, the most unlucky person perhaps on the planet. "Waffles lets see your tickets" we asked. All but one had the Jets so Pauly and I immediately went to the window and layed a big bet on the Browns -3'.

Cleveland leads 17-6 with about 6 minutes to go and they punt the ball to the Jets. As someone who has been in a slump, my pessimistic side takes over and I forecast the Jets scoring, going for two and making it, and Cleveland only winning by 3 points. Well it was not to be that simple and much much more was still to happen.

The Jets do in fact drive right down the field marching 69 yards in 2:28 but for some strange reason the don't make the two point conversion so we are still covering. They do though go for an onside kick which of course they recover. So fuck Jets ball on their own 44 with still 3 minutes remaining. Now we have to hope Cleveland can stop them and somehow run out the clock.

The Jets immediately move the ball down to the Browns 20 yard line and after three incomplete passes face 4th and 10. "Go for it" is the chant from throughout the Sports Book but no, Mangini sends in the FG unit to cut the lead to 17-15. We're fucked is all I can think of.

The Jets try another onside kick but Cleveland covers at the Jets 37 although the Jets still have three time outs left. Our goal is for the Browns to pick up 8 yards but to not get the first down so they have to kick a FG to cover the spread. First down Lewis for three, second down lewis for three, third down lewis up the middle for first down yardage, "NO NO NO" but wait he breaks it, "GO GO GO" oh no two guys hit him at the ten but wait a stiff arm, legs keep churning, he breaks the tackle TD Cleveland.

The IP erupts. We are all running around screaming, high fiving one another as the miracle happens and the Browns now lead by 9. Oh fuck wait a second, there is still 1:22 left on the clock so a last second Jet TD and we are fucked yet again.

Cleveland does some shitty squib kick and the Jets take over on their own 40. I get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach just knowing we are going to get fucked once again. Two plays and the Jets have a first down at midfield but they don't spike the ball and precise seconds tick off the clock.

An incomplete pass on first down. Oh fuck a deep completion for 32 yards and out of bounds at the Cleveland 18 with still :32 seconds left. I really think we're fucked now. Cleveland is playing prevent and the Jets have plenty of time to get it in the End Zone and fuck us all, typical for how the year has gone.

Wait! WTF is going on. I can't believe my eyes. Here comes the fucking FG unit onto the field? There is stunned silence in the Sports Book. Mangenius is kicking a FG on 1st and 10 from the 18 down by 9? Holy fuck. In all my life of watching and betting on football I don't remember anybody kicking a FG in this situation so basically he let us of the hook.

The FG is good and now all we have to do is recover the onside kick off and run the clock out which is exactly what happens. So in the span of 3 minutes we went from up, to escaping trouble on the missed two point conversion, to in trouble by them recovering an onside kick, to fucked by them kicking a FG, to in trouble by recovering the onside kick, to ecstatic by Lewis breaking a TD run, to in trouble by the Jets driving, to saved by Mangini the idiot for kicking a FG on first down at the 18 yard line.

So yes my friends, Cleveland covering due to Mangini is classified as a Slump Buster. We will always love Mangini for this as he picked up the frightful woman, he went down for hours, he ate the ass, he did everything necessary to break the slump of numerous football bettors on a glorious Sunday during the Winter Classic.

Not two hours later I'm sitting at a poker table and my A9 rivers a 9 to beat someone who had two pair to win a monster pot. Two hours later play is halted as someone at one of the affiliate Harrah's properties hits the bad beat jackpot making all of us bloggers seated at the table $140 richer. I played and easily won my first two NBA bets of the season. I look ahead to this Sundays games with clear vision seeing the winners. My QQ held up to AK and I won a race, a race I felt there was no way I could lose.

The doom and gloom is gone. The pessimism has cleared out. No more bitterness. No longer a hater. The optimism is back. The weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's gonna be a great year.

Thank you Eric Mangini. Thank you for doing the deed and even eating the ass. Thank you for being the 2007 Slump Buster.


At 3:13 PM, Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Jets not covering -125
Bad Beat Jackpot happening 15 minutes after I leave -140
Dallas scoring with 22 second left -550.

Hanging out with friends.. priceless..

I need me a fat woman.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Schaubs said...

Best post I've read so far Don. Great stuff. I too bet on the Browns ($20), however I was playing poker and couldn't get the real feel of what was happening. Thanks for the recap, the curse is lifted!

More of this stuff, I was crackin' up the whole time!

No ass eating for you!

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Astin said...

Somehow, the mint I have in my mouth tasted absolutely foul about halfway through this post. Thanks for ruining my mint.

Great post.

At 4:51 PM, Blogger lightning36 said...

The people outside my office must have been wondering why I was laughing my ass off.

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Chad C said...

Does this chick have a name?

At 5:28 PM, Blogger Ryan said...

oh this was freaking excellent.

nice post.

At 7:56 PM, Blogger cmitch said...


I'm confused.

by "Magnini" do you mean you?

by "kicking a FG on 1st and 10 from the 18 down by 9" do you mean you found the Gym Teacher from Porkys and rocked her world.

At 9:22 PM, Blogger Otis said...

damn, but this was a great post.

At 1:31 AM, Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

Long live the slump buster...

At 11:02 AM, Blogger fooddetective said...

I've been reading all of these blogs for years, and this is easily one of my favorite posts. I always enjoy seeing your picks, Don, and kudos to you on this!

At 12:59 PM, Blogger bayne_s said...

I am still cringing from the slump buster description.

At 1:42 PM, Blogger Irongirl01 said...

Lordy Lordy, OMG you had me in stiches. I think a slumpbuster is also called a mercy Fawk.. Now forget about that and get out there and find yourself some real arm candy to show off.

P.S. My comment to Snake after my exits on a three outer in the Hoy and a Two outer in the Mookie. And Chad calling me the queen of river beats...."WTF do I have to do line up the full tilt pros and give them all blow jobs". When I got to thinking about Mike the Mouth I had to hold in my cookies but figured it might break my slump of being sucked out on.

At 1:45 PM, Blogger 4dbirds said...

I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

At 4:35 PM, Blogger change100 said...

Wow... I mean, just... WOW.

At 6:04 PM, Blogger Poker Jones said...

Laughing uproariously on several different levels (is that even possible?). My Browns, thanks to Man-Genius, helped me get unstuck a bit on this trip as well. (The halftime pick 'em bet appeared to be a lock, anyway.) Was great to meet you, sir.

At 7:27 PM, Blogger CarmenSinCity said...

If this is how you plan on breaking the slump that you are in, I suggest you rent a room. No fatties in this house please.

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Derek McG said...

i love it.

At 7:58 PM, Blogger KajaPoker said...

Hey Don,

For the Big Game I have a bounty to offer:

KO twoblackaces outside of the top 6 spots and I will pay $20 bucks.

At 4:42 PM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

I'd hit it for the Browns to cover.


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