Friday, May 30, 2008

It's Time

Time for the start of the absolute best time of the year here in Vegas, yup you know it, tournament donkey heaven! I'm so excited to spend the next 6 weeks grinding and grinding in the hopes to turn out a fat profit from all the tourney donks at the cash tables. Yea Baby.

I happened to be at the Rio on Wednesday morning and as soon as the satellite room opened there was six single table satellites running within 5 minutes. The cash games opened about four hours late and the action was instant. Weak, who is staying at my crib for the series, who knows exactly how minutes to Wapner and who is definitely an excellent driver, was down there yesterday and the cash games were packed.

If you are playing cash there $2/5 is the smallest game they have and it's only a $500 max buy-in. Also the Mississippi straddle is effect (the button can straddle to $10 and it takes precedent on any other straddles) so technically everyone should be straddling their button. And if everyone does turns the game into $5/10 with shallow stacks so I personally think it sucks. No idea why they won't make the max buy-in $1000.

I was at the Venetian yesterday and there was decent action there. They have added 26 tables right in front of the poker room bringing the total to 74 as the anticipate big crowds for their Deep Stack Events. One thing I will mention about Venetian is they use the auto shufflers for both cash and tournaments. Caesar's, Binions, and Rio do not use shufflers and IMO with the lack of quality of WSOP dealers, I'd say you'll see eight to ten more hands and hour at Venetian which will add up if you go deep. I'll be down there again today so I'll let everyone know how big their opening tournament gets.

Unfortunately no hookers last night. About thirty minutes there is a raise, two callers, and on the button I get 3d 3c and also call. Flop is Ad 8c 3h. Initial raiser bets, there is a fold and a call, I reraise and we get HU. Turn is a blank, we get it all-in and my set of 3s beats AK. Very nice a fast double up. Too bad I didn't get to enjoy them.

I catch KK and lose to a shorties 77 who flops a set. I then get QQ and QQ and lost to a set of 9s and a set of 8s. I lost minimum on both hands thankfully. I also lost to set over set but again I took only minimal damage as their was an Ace on the flop and river which slowed us both down as we both were worried out sets might have been counterfeited by Aces full.

So from up $300 in thirty minutes to cashing out down $97. I was very positive though about the session as I made some sick laydowns that kept me from losing a lot more. The Venetian will be rocking today so hopefully I can catch some cards and stack some donks.

BTW, how ghey was that three pointer at the buzzer last night in the Lakers game that totally changed the spread outcome. I heard a huge roar when the game went final but didn't realize at the time what had happened. I had no action on the game but I'm sure the Laker bettors were ecstatic and the Spurs bettors were pissed off by getting one outed on the river. Why did that asshole even take the shot? Oh I know, no class typical of the NBA!

The NBA playoffs have been terrible and that doesn't even mention the horrid officiating. It's blatantly obvious the league wants an LA-Boston final and it wouldn't surprise me if the refs received a memo stating such. And don't even start to debate this as we all have proof the NBA is fixed. Did anybody read the cheating refs allegations that players and coaches were in on fixes? The NBA squashed it quickly but I can't wait to see what comes out in court. Online Poker is fixed, NBA is fixed, NFL is fixed, what else?

Everyone have and enjoyable weekend. Again, I'll give some Venetian field size updates and don't forget Big Game Sunday.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


Fed up with Internet tom foolery I head down to the strip to try my luck there. I get a non-incident trip, head north on I-15, exit at Spring Mountain and decide to park at my usual spot, Treasure Island. No sense hitting the valet as the walk, which is way shorter than crossing the strip and parking at Venetian, will do me good on two accounts. I can do that visualization going in and I can review my session on the way back, either lamenting or telling myself how cool I really am.

I get to the Venetian and put my name on the $1/2 list. I'm 5th on said list. I walk around and check out the action, particularly the donks playing $5/10, you know, those with money to burn but really average at best, getting eaten up by the locals. I also see and of course flirt with my favorite cocktail waitress and my favorite dealer.

Soon enough they call my name. I get send to a temporary table in the corner and see I'm about to be the big blind. I shout to the dealer, "deal me in," and surprisingly he gives me cards while he yells, "chips on table 49."

I scurry over to my seat and see that seven of the nine players have more than the $300 buy-in. I wave off the chip runner and ask the Indian (middle eastern) dude if I can trade one $100 bill for chips. He does and so I have 20 redbirds and two $100 bills in play, the table maximum.

By the time I get the chips and look at my dealt cards, Ad Qd mind you, the action is around to me and there are 4 limpers and the SB has completed. Now as most of you who have played live in Vegas know, there is a certain bet to chase out those who will limp call, and of course as soon as one does they all pile on so at this point I'm not sure what the number is so I just check my option.

Really I could make it $25 but as I mentioned I'm not sure of this table and I in no way want to play the first hand OOP for $125 in preflop.

Flop 9d 6d 2d. Wow.

SB makes it $15. I call right away hoping for a reraise so I can go right over the top. The Indian dude calls and three of us see the turn. Ts.

$75 in the pot the SB makes it $50. Well, first hand what do I do here. I decide to just call hoping there will be some more action around the table. Indian dude calls and we see the river.


$225 in the pot.

SB shoves for $500.

I am fairly certain I have Ad Qd but I'll look one more time just to make sure. Yup I have the nuts.

So I call. Indian dude folds and SB turns over Kd Jd for the 2nd nuts. Woot Woot, or BOOOOM, or Roar, or Choo CHoo. A quick $400 right away.

Three hands later in the CO I get Ad Kd and I raise the two limpers to $15. The BB calls as does on limper. The is Kh 4d 3d. The BB donk bets $30 and the limper calls. I make it $130. The SB shoves, the limper calls and I have to call with the flush redraw and TP. SB turns over Ks Js and with no help I take his money too.

I've been there four hands and I'm up almost $700. Am I hot or what? So now the debate wages in my mind, do I try to win more, do I have a couple cocktails maybe, do I pack my shit up and head to the crib, or wait, wait, do I take some profit and go bang a hot escort?

First thing I do is order a drink. A drink will always make me think straight right. HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHH. I fold with shitty cards for another couple orbits and I order another drink.

Now the cocktail waitress that has eyes for me has just started her shift, and the sexy as all get up masseuse girl who totally digs me is only halfway through her shift so with a two cocktail buzz, $700 in winnings, and tired of rubbing them out I get a brilliant idea...escort time.

Now this isn't the time for my usual nineteen year old latina or college student, slender and petite, I'm seriously ready to roll so I dig in deep in my phone and find just the answer.


Twenty four, 5'8 145 36DD natural, and best of all English. Not English like we try to speak but straight from the brothels of Manchester. Best of all Mel is an incall, so I can hit that on the way home.

I call Mel up and as my luck has been going on this night she is available. I tell her to pour my specialty, vodka rocks splash of cran don't hurt it. On my way I pop a 10mg lortab for my buzz and also for my long lasting pleasure.

Two drinks at Venetian, a 10mg lortab, and also a cocktail at Mel's is not only for the buzz, but the combo also makes me fuck like a Porn Star. I'm not trying to be an insert and squirt minute man but I want to revel in my winnings, shake off all the harm of running bad online, and feel like a real man without having to slump bust.

Mel, is happy to see me with my cocktail in hand and we get down to business. $200 of my winnings cash American buys everything but the booty hole and I can also opt to kiss her, gambling that the earlier clients didn't blow in her mouth.

I'm feeling good for a change and not some donkey online player, drunk and losing as I chase the BBT3 or the bodonkey or whatever cash game I can take a bad beat at.

Be the ball Donnie. Drive for show putt for dough.

And I proceed, and not only in my own mind, to fuck like a porn star. From behind, reverse cowboy without the camera, side saddle, pile driver, I'm hitting Mel like there is no tomorrow. My shit is rock hard, like granite or steel, or what ever is the latest and greatest in comob metals.

Good thing she's a sturdy one as I'd probably of really hurt that nineteen year old one hundred pound latina which is my choice. Anyway, I bang and I bang and I bang some more, really full of myself and my staying power. Poor Mel is not used to the passion and the stay power and she is begging me to be done already. I get a clock reading and see I'm down to ten minutes left so I ease myself out of her, take of the condom and blow the biggest load of my life all over not just her tits but her face too.

I tipped her an extra $25 but she asked I don't come back on the clock. Does that mean she wants me on the side? Time will tell.

It was nice to get out, it was nice to destroy live and it was nice to destroy Mel too.

Life is good here in Vegas. I can't wait to see you all when you make it out here.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Retired Online

Sorry it has to be this way.

And sorry there are no pictures or HHs to accompany this, I'm on suicide watch as it is, I can't bear to see anything more than the pictures in my head.

I'm now 19th in Bodonkey as I ran AT into KK. Should have played like a pussy and folded to the points, but that doesn't work as I always bubble anyway.

So I get the bright idea to play cash. It's not like I can play cash online and keep on losing right. I mean 27 out of 33 losing sessions means I'm due right? Out of 1054 hands figure I'm due 84 sets no? How about 12. How about two with no action and nine losing to runner runner? I can go on but nobody wants to here by bad beat stories. I'm sure your luck sucks worse than mine, particularly those guys and girls who are so unlucky with $10K+ wins in MTTs. Not to mention trips to Australia and Las Vegas. Blow!

So your fuckers I went down in a blaze of glory.

KK into AA all in preflop.

KK into AA all in preflop.

AA v. QQ all in on a Txx flop. Q on river.

AA v. JJ all in on a 7xx flop. J on river.

And to finally donk of what was left...go figure the 2nd most unlucky donkey in poker.

55 v. JJ all in on a 952 flop. J on river.

So I guess I'm a break even player just like Waffles.

All this in one day. I suck!

I guess it's time to get back to my needle in arm, life in prison, cancer, death stories. Those posts generated 24x more hits than my poker crying.

You guys have been begging for those for a while so I guess that will the agenda coming up.

If one person dare tells me a bad beat story, no lie, I'll go to prison for whacking their head of with my sword. Don't tempt me!

Any sympathy comments will be treated in the same way!

Good luck all. Hope you are killing the game.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

108 Degrees

We broke records here in Vegas yesterday at 108 degrees. Man it's too early for that heat. Good thing a front is suppose to blow through tonight so it will be 103 today and then highs in the 70s for the rest of the week.

Has anyone checked out this new site called Poker Player Winnings? Looks like they just started tracking all the cash games on FTP so it will be another tool in looking up opponents to see how good or bad they are. Now that all the tournaments, SnGs, and cash games are being tracked we can keep an eye on who is really a break even player.

I took yesterday off from poker as I needed to rest my ass from the beats so I'm refreshed and ready to win some cash today. Skillz has disaster written all over it and like so many other Skillz events it will certainly come down to a card catching contest.

Good Luck to me. Also the Bodonkey is down to the last three events and there are only about 4 players safe at this point to make the top 18. I happen to be in 18th so I definitely need to pick up some points tonight. I really want to play in the two table SnG for $12K as it appears to be my best shot at a prize since I've done shit in the BBThree.

Will Miami get fucked in the NBA draft lottery tonight? Anything below 2nd is a bad beat. The NBA has rigged these things before so lets see where the Knicks wind up.

The Conference Finals should be good this year as the top 4 teams are left to fight it out. Can Kobe and the Lakers knock off the Spurs dynasty and can the Celtics handle the Piston to set up a glory days match-up of Celtics-Lakers in the finals. I mean really who wants to watch Detroit and San Antonio play in the finals? Boring!

Congrats to fellow cancer survivor John Lester on his no-hitter last night. No-Hitters are one of my favorite baseball events so I enjoy them even if it was a Red Sock who threw it.

Hope everyone had an awesome weekend and made boatloads of cake.

Monday, May 19, 2008

New Segments

Hello boys and girls. Miami Don is back with tales from the felt. It seems I do very well playing live and not so well playing online so I'm going to start a couple new segments on this here blog.

The first is, "Ass Fucking of the Day" and please don't any of you homosexuals or anal loving people get all over senstive on this alright.

Here I will portray my worst hand of the day. Now sometimes said "ass fucker" has no choice but to commit it's chips on what is to be a cooler so no fault of theirs if they didn't know better. But yes fault all of us for playing on FTP since they don't pay out anymore but that's a topic for another day.

Today's hand is:

Now in ass fuckers defense nothing he could to do know he was behind and in my defense if he happened to flop a FH oh fucking well.

Let's move on to my 2nd segment called, "Why did I raise with QQ?" Now to most of you donks QQ means bliss that you can't find in your real lives but those who know me understand I've lost nearly $28,493 with QQ. Actually I've determined a luck box theory totally surrounding QQ but that a story for another day.

Here I find 3 limpers in a $.50/$1.00 game and I make it fucking $8 to go. Well I get three callers. Seeing I have position and both donks check in front of me I fire at that pot. So what do I get? A check raise jam. Later I losee again with QQ. Someday I'll learn to play QQ like 22 but like most of you out there male and female I'm turned on by being with two bitches.

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and made lots of loot.

Oh wait....Sorry I posted before my "Ass Fucking" was done...check this out.

Wait there is more...

Fuck Dad why us? Why the fuck us???

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sergio Backs In

Did anybody watch the Players on Sunday? Of course I have to eat shit since Sergio the donkey won but come on did he win it or did Goydos lose it? Goydos had three bogeys in the last five holes and he had quite an easy chip from right in front of the 18th green that he chunked forcing a playoff. Don't get me wrong Sergio played very well but Goydos blew a three shot lead with five to play so don't tell me Sergio went out and won this thing.

How dumb are those Survivor players? To let that skank Pavriti win is downright embarrassing. It did shed some light into how stupid men are though. Guys will fall for any shit that comes out of a woman's mouth just because she has a vag and every guy deep down thinks he's gonna get some. Here is a word of advice guys. Act uninterested sometimes. Play hard to get occasional. Don't act like some pussy whipped fool, stalker, insecure donkey. It works like a charm!

A democratic house and a democratic senate sucks huh. Wait until that preacher gets in office and it will be the Carter administration all over again. Broke dick economy, taxes out the ass, fuck we'll turn into some socialistic Pseudo-euro donk country. I can't wait. The only good thing about Carter was one of the greatest Presidents in this country's history took over. Save our country folks, vote Republican!

About those screen shots. I've discussed those at length with a couple trusted buddies and they were both a matter of bad luck, bad timing and yes a couple mistakes on my part. I'm working hard on my end game for both satellites and MTTs and I'm convinced you can't be a nit at the end of these things. Folding into the money in satellites doesn't always work, and waiting on big hands in MTTs just to shove A rag into some higher A rag doesn't work either. If you look around, those who actually WIN MTTs, and I'm talking about big field events and not 83 player bloggaments, play highly aggressive at the end and those who get close on occasion but don't win are way too tight. No need to list names we all know who is who.

I've been having fun playing a lot more HU cash and MTTs lately. HU is such an interesting game and although there is luck involved with being on the right side of the cooler, it seems better players will win and win big over time. My strong suit in poker is reading people and it really seems there are not a lot of real tricky players out there in the lower limits I've started playing. I'm sure that will change as I move up but for now they seem to be highly profitable.

Also there is a fun $22HU MTT on FTP that starts nightly at 23:45. That might be a little to late for all you east coast snobs but it is an interesting event. They've been getting 256 nightly and are getting real close to making it to 512 which will make for an even fatter prize pool. Also, don't forget this Sunday BBT Badass Loretta is hosting a $26 HU MTT at 21:00 also on FTP. Sign up early since they will only allow powers of 2 to enter so if you wait until the last minute you may get cut. The max allowed is 64 and it would be great to see this thing fill every week.

A quarter of the season done in baseball and plenty of surprises out there. I wonder if we are seeing the fallout from HGH and juice as there seems to be big dropoffs in offensive numbers. That whole Padre team must have had juice parties as they are hitting a not so stellar .233 as a team. Has Toronto scored more than one run in a game in the past week? Also there are eight entire teams hitting .250 or below which is just bad. It is fun watching all those kids for the Marlins mashing balls all over the park.

I hope everyone had a nice weekend and made a ton of money.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

No More Bad Beats

We can all admit that this was really ghey and yes I'm pulling from the archives...

But seriously what the fuck is this...

Now Chad and Lucko and Hoy have all kicked ass and won multiple MTTs but really has anyone ever done this?

Here is the deal. Nobody tell me a bad beat story ever again. If you do I might bust your ass.

Hope everyone ran well this weekend and as I said, I still don't think Sergio can putt. Go Fullham.

Friday, May 09, 2008


Does anyone watch Survivor? Man was that kid fucking stupid last night to fall for the bullshit those four bitches put on him. I know he's some dumb 21-year-old kid who works in an ice cream parlor but please kid. I thought that brother James was the dumbest ever survivor player but nope now they is a two-way tie for first.

Anyone wanna bet Sergio's putter lets him down at the Players this weekend? Why does he even get some much publicity anyway he's never won shit?

I'm an soccer fan and I'm looking forward to Sunday's finale in the English Premier League. No not to see who wins the Championship but to see if Fullham can continue their amazing run and avoid relegation. A win and they are through but they can still get by if either Birminghman or Reading lose. I root for Fullham since they have Brian McBride as their captain along with a couple other "yanks" on the team so it would be nice to see them get through.

That's it from Vegas. You can find me at the Venetian all weekend if you need to get a hold of me. Play smart and stay profitable.

Thursday, May 08, 2008


I think I'm finally back to normal after the fantastic weekend at Mookies. I knew I was out of shape but two days of golf and not much sleep had all of us extremely sore.

That was actually my first time playing golf since last years WAM and I do think I have the fever once again. When I lived in Florida and owned a business I probably played golf 3-4 times a week and absolutely loved it but once I moved to Vegas poker and laziness took over and I just stopped playing. I think though it's time to change that up. I'm going to go hit some balls today and who knows maybe I'll sneak in 18.

No real poker to speak of. I'll be back at the live cash tables this weekend so hopefully I'll win some monster hands that I can post about. I did play Razz with you donks on Tuesday and man is that a fucked up game. The limit tourneys blow anyway since the structure sucks and it becomes a 70 person card catching contest but with razz it's just plain retarded. I think I will donk up some Donkey Catchers tonight so see you there.

Congrats go out to Lucko and his monster run. His BOOOOM is one of the gheyest things I've ever seen but fuck can that guy play MTTs. Vegas Lucko!

My trademark is pending with the Push Fest so as soon as that is complete you donks will have to call it the Miami Don Push Fest or my lawyers will be all up in your ass!

Not counting democrats is there any group more fucked up than PETA? It will be interesting to see what happens between them and the old blue bloods who run horse racing. My guess is the NHRTA tells PETA to go fuck themselves but PETA I'm sure doesn't care because all they want is money and publicity.

I hope everyone is running well and happy in their lives.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Back from Austin

I'm back donkeys and I'm bigger, badder, and as classless as ever so get used to reading some regular posts once again. Oh and try not to get your feelings hurt either.

Weekend at Mookies was a blast as expected. It was great to catch up with some of my true friends and share some (surprisingly few)drinks and many many laughs. Thanks again to Mookie and Mrs. Mookie for hosting once again. And for all you lame-ohs who backed out your big-time loss. I'll have more updates this week and I already can't wait to do it again next year.

A big shout out to my boy Waffles for winning player of the month in April. My hope is that he plays in a live WSOP event and doesn't pocket the money. Come on Wes make him play. If somehow Waffles does win the TOC and the ME seat does anyone want to dress up in a Waffles costume and rail him down at the RIO? We could make a terrific scene real.

So that is my quick update for now as I need to get caught up on some thinks as well as go BBQ a steak. Back tomorrow and good luck to you all in the MATH tonight.